How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.
I don’t care what anyone says, this was the best moment on TV ever.
THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER OMFG
WAIT OMFG I CANT
I’d grind on him
"this is so appropriate"
I hope my sons have this amount of wit and sass.
i swear on everything this is james and sirius
this is everything i could ever hope for
OMG IT IS IT’S JAMES AND SIRIUS
Best of | Jennifer Lawrence.
On the set of Horrible Bosses 2, december 2nd.
Ok, can we talk for a sec about the dude on the right’s massive dick bulge?
don’t kiss me on my neck i will literally fall apart before your very eyes
Strange women distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!
Women are sharing their comebacks to instances of everyday sexism
and it’s amazing
but wait there’s more
omg and then
"Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?" OMFG so good!
do you ever wonder how people even find your blog
The crest of Tumblr.
This. Is. So. Cool.
I AM GETTING THIS TATTOOED!
always reblog because i own this tee
Ok, so I just realized:
Because the Games have courage, bravery, and danger.
Because they’re in contact with the Devil.Because they do amazing things like save the world but refuse to give loyalty and trust to people who don’t deserve it.
Because it’s full of people who are intelligent, but not necessarily heroes.
Because everyone is important.
and the “Not all who wander are lost” is a perfect fit too, because normally there would be “Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus”, wich kinda reminds me of Smaug, sleeping under his piles of gold… :)
my hand slipped and i added a legitimate reason on why SPN could be Slytherin in a lovely shade of bold
This is how you shed the Disney image.
This looks really good.
UH wow this looks amazing i didnotexpect
goosebumps are everywhere.
Oh my god I didn’t realise it was Vanessa Hudgens!
Zoomed out while taking a picture of my Christmas tree
Warp Factor Jingle, Mr. Sulu.
Tony likes to make bird puns at Hawkeye.
I have a family Christmas do today, so I made a pavlova. It’s so hot!